Open a Window

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 22:30:26 GMT

I have mono
I have a bacterial infection in my throat
I have two uncles that couldn't give a shit about me (though they pretty much raised me)
I have a half of a family that is splitting at the seams. I wish I could be the glue.

wow i got a 69 hahahaha

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:15:29 GMT

1) smoked
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) had sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs
TOTAL: 8

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone else's prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die
TOTAL: 8

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of icecream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) dyed your hair
27) recieved a ticket
28) been in an accident
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar
TOTAL: 5

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band names
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent cd
TOTAL: 4

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been to drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: 6

51) snuck into some one else's room
52) had a crush on your best friend's sib. other
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush
TOTAL: 10

61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age
TOTAL: 6

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harrassed
80) been verbally harrassed
TOTAL: 8

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test
TOTAL: 7

91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 8 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) worn eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
TOTAL: 7

don't let me get away

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 02:28:54 GMT

"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye

I think I'm ready to fall in love with love again.
I want a boy

carry this picture [necklace]

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 22:16:38 GMT

how can I just let you walk away
just let you leave without a trace?

I need friends my own age. I need to stay out of trouble. Moreover I need to stop looking for attention in the wrong places. I want help... but I don't want to change. Is this just going to be me?

This is the wrong time to be thinking about all of this. I'm utterly confused. I feel like I'm walking around in a dream.

Is it wrong to realize that I should be ashamed... but to feel no negative emotions at all?

that look so condescending

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 00:35:04 GMT

I need to start actually functioning. Right now I feel like my day is just dragging me along. Hopping from deadline to deadline is leaving me a mess. I want a hug. and a nap. I don't really know what I need right now; i feel like i want a boy... but i'm sure that's not what i really need. I'm thinking about applying to a month long dance intensive this summer. It looks pretty good. I can't pick between that and TiP... hmmmmmmm...

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 03:53:52 GMT

I just want to cry. I just need to sit on someone's lap and bawl my eyes out. I think it would be a release that I have to have. I just need a vent. But I can never seem to actually open up when given the chance.

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 22:31:11 GMT

Come see West Side Story

Today January 7, as well as the 13 and 14 at 7:30

and January 8 and 15 at 2:30

admission is free

it's in St Luke's United Methodist Church.

Directions: If you're on Hixon pike headed away from downtown, take a left right before the S curves onto Haywood avenue, then take your first right on to Ozark. You'll come to a T junction where you go left onto another Ozark. Follow that until you turn left onto Social Circle (there's a small sign for the church posted).

<3 Elyse

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 23:44:05 GMT

New years resolution: to be less self centered and judgemental

that's a toughie yo

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 20:21:34 GMT

Hmmmm boys are silly. I'm done with them. All of them. Flirting for me... its fun but killer in the end so I just give up. Ha I'll completely forget I ever said that as soon as some hot boy looks my way. Whateva

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 20:17:31 GMT

Haha for all those times you wonder...

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 21:17:52 GMT

Question of the day: If you had to put a pricetag on a parent, how much is a dad worth?

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:03:39 GMT

So whenever I have to deal with the shit that comes with not knowing how to be a friend without being a flirt, I think of this and realize I'm probably not 100% in the wrong

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 03:11:42 GMT

Take the quiz:
what kind of smile do you have? (pics)

sexy smile
you are an optimistic, fun person who loves to showoff those pearly white teeth!!! you always find the good in everything and that alone is very sexy!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 23:29:25 GMT

Dear Santa
All I really want is good grades. And when I say good grades I mean the amazing grades that you don't really have to study for. I know that's pretty complicated and only happens to a few people. And to loose a liiiiiittle weight. Just enough to be all skinny and dancery looking again-- I miss that. I want to be able to see my hipbones and lose all of the jiggle in my thighs and legs. And abs would be good--but if you can't that's ok too. And a boy. Yeah a really nice but attractive and funny boy. But he has to want me, because I'm tired of chasing, very tired. A good reputation would be nice. And a social life would pretty much make life perfect. Is that too much? I haven't been very good I guess. But this year I'm gonna try to get all of the above. Except for the boy, like I said I'm done with the chasing. So if the most amazing guy ever could just fall into my lap that would be great. Thanks!

Elyse

Grow up?

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 23:47:23 GMT

I am an american aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I’m running out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?
Let’s forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let’s undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn’t hurt?
I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take from the inside, lady gold on tight
You so right when you said I been drinking
What was I thinking when we said goodnight?
I want to hold you in the bible-black pre-dawn
You’re quite a quiet domino, bury me not
Take off your bandaid because I don’t believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when we said hello?
I always thought that if I held you tightly
You’d always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep & the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

I guess I really like those lyrics

Make good decisions over break, or at least make the bad ones that you won't regret later.
I love you all very much and hope that things are going well.
I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
Used to be lying when I said it wasn’t easy
I am trying to break your heart
Disposable dixie cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I’m running out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 01:14:58 GMT

I am getting so frustrated. I give up 2 and a half hours of my week to go scream my voice raw. I'm trying to discipline kids that are either apathetic to the show, or "too good" to listen to me. Though they're older and have bigger parts, I still need their cooperation. It's so frustrating because every single conversation adds to the noise level in the room. I won't lie, dancing isn't easy. And trying to get a large group of non dancers and dancers alike to partner dance in a very stylized manner is challenging. I guess I'm just freaking out about the whole show. And I hate looking like the bitch. I repeatedly strike the fear of God into the hearts of 12 year olds. That is not a nice thing to do and I realize that. But I cannot help it. I'm so over it.

silly girls

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 15:12:39 GMT

Is it possible to be too chill? I think I bore people because I'm not all hyper and giddy like most girls. Whatever. I don't really care that much, it's just kind of bothering me that I'd have to be something I'm not to be more entertaining.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 02:57:58 GMT

So I think I'm over him... Finally! It took me like ages haha but it's all good now. Everything is going well, and I'm beginning to reconnect old friendships hopefully. I hope this happiness lasts yayyyy.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 03:43:01 GMT

Any advice on how to trust someone?

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 04:40:22 GMT

Sometimes I just want to give the world a hug

and i don't like sexual tension

and body image problems they pretty much suck too

but I'm still in amazing mood.

Must be a boy
oh wait that's right it is, but I can't get ahold of him

I'm giving up

let's see how life goes if I follow the advice of Fight Club and
s
l

i

d

e

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 02:55:47 GMT

I think I got the biggest let down by a friend last night. I've never been so disappointed in so many actions from just one person.

more boy frustrations

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 04:30:24 GMT

I am so frustrated. I don't understand how you can claim to be attached to someone, then randomly after a four month relationship, just stop caring. I want him back, but I get the feeling he doesn't care about me anymore. I just want to scream or cry or kiss him til he realizes that he wants me back too. But it's not gonna happen. And I'm getting pretty sick of putting myself out there.

When is it my turn to be chased? I need a relationship that I don't have to pursue from beginning to end.

I just need someone to hit me in the face with a big "he doesn't care about you anymore get over it"
and probably another good cry

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 03:00:29 GMT

I think I'm finally beginning to get over Mat. Part of the reason (unless I'm rationalizing, which is entirely possible) is that for several years I have let boys' perceptions of me determine my self worth. Except, it was more proportional to the amount of attention they gave me. I enjoyed being treated like that. For awhile I had to work to get even negative attention. Then I began to have more self confidence (especially about my appearance) But now, I feel as though I have no place in my high school. Some people think I'm a slut apparently. Others now think I'm a druggie. I don't know what to do, or even who to turn to. I just feel lost. Everyone is so fake and two-faced that it is impossible to determine who sincerely likes you, and who doesn't. I feel like no one likes me right now. I have no idea how to go about fixing it. Oh well. Only a few more years of high school and I won't have to deal with this anymore. Keeping up appearances just seems so entirely useless; when you do that you cannot possbibly allow others to begin to get to know the real you. And what is the point of simply maintaining a reputation that isn't genuine? Who benefits from that? You? The people that believe they know you? I just don't understand anymore.

What's going to measure my sucess? My college apps? My extracurriculars? My wealth? I want to know where to go from here. But I'm learning that no one can tell me that. What I expect out of life is changing every day. I have no idea if I'm going to be ready to be my own person by that golden age of 18. Truth is, I can't really name many people who are right now. Ok so now it comes, do I buckle down and be the student, or lay back a little bit and just try to experience. We'll see, and hopefully I'll keep doing this so I can get a little closer to some insight.

peace out
Elyse

PS all the shit I've talked about my dad needs to be forgotten. He is the coolest adult in my life right now

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 03:21:40 GMT

Even though I'm much less of a trainwreck than I was this morning, I was still a wreck. When I was sitting with Mat in a meeting I got that shaky, butterfly feeling. Why can't I get over him? I am trying. In a way I want a rebound relationship, if only to keep my mind off of everything. But then I don't really want to get into that, it will just be messy. I feel so dramatic and obnoxious, but I have never been hurt this badly by a boy before. And I can't really blame him for much because it wasn't even intentional. I guess I wasn't ready to be over him. I assumed he felt the same. I knew we were drifting, but never for one second did I think that I would look around and he would have started dating some other girl. I just give up. I don't know what to do. If I had any guts I'd bite the bullet and either avoid him or hang out with him so I can get a friendship going. I just have this piece of me that still thinks that maybe sometime in the future I can have him back. Realistically I don't even think that is possible. But whenever my feelings are involved, I lose all rational thought. I called him twice last night, and I still couldn't ask him what I wanted to in person. I'm tired of putting myself out there. So far, every time I've tried to let a guy prove me wrong and stay with me when I need them, I have been let down. I'm 0-5 and I'm slowly losing hope. On top of everything, I found out that a lotttt of people assume that last year I was anorexic, and that this year, because I'm a flirt and I need attention, that I am automatically a whore or whatever. What the hell is wrong here? I thought I was a good kid. I guess I thought wrong. I don't know. I feel so incredibly lost. I feel like life is a ton of bricks just sitting on my chest right now.

sorry about the ADD rant

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 01:33:27 GMT

I can't get over him. I don't know why. I talked to him, and I asked him something about another girl. He wouldn't give me a straight answer and I wanted to cry. This has never been so hard. I guess I'm just used to doing all of the dumping. I guess this is good for me. I feel so attatched. How do you fix your heart when it hurts. How can you miss someone that is within touching distance. And how the hell can I get over him or win him back. I just want him back.